McSweeney's 12/19/06
Nora Ephron Feels Bad About Barack Obama's Neck
By Rick Moranis

I havenít met Barack Obama. But Iíve seen a lot of pictures and footage of him on television so I feel like I have. He has an unusually thin neck for a man of his size. Heís tall, thin and extremely handsome, which always works very well on television.

Television is supposed to put ten pounds on anyone thatís on it, but I think the ten pounds are more likely to wind up on the people who are watching it. Either way, Barack Obama could use ten pounds, specifically on his neck. (Iím not sure which is worse-Barack Obamaís neck or the gap in Condoleeza Riceís teeth, but thatís another story.)

Andrew Sullivan has a big neck, and although heís gay, and a conservative, I find his neck very attractive. Iíve heard Andrew got his thick neck from playing rugby. Rugby is a lot like football but involves long periods where men are pushing against other men with their heads; hence the big, muscular neck. But this is about Barack Obama, not rugby. Except that if Barack Obama had played rugby instead of going to law school, heíd have a big neck and then I wouldnít feel so bad.

Barack also has a deep, sexy voice, a voice which, by the way, is somehow created with vocal chords located in that thin neck. Women love big, low voices like Barackís. Tom Hanks has a voice like that. Men also like men that have deep voices, which is why as bad as I feel about Barack Obamaís neck, I feel equally good about his voice.

I know that there must be a way for Barack Obama to have his neck fixed, or at least, cover it up with high collars. I donít think he should wear turtlenecks through a whole Presidential campaign, although come to think about it, turtlenecks would distinguish him from all the other regular shirt and tie-wearing candidates heíd have to encounter along the way.

Barack Obama is also black. I know this because itís obvious. It has nothing at all to do with the size of his neck, except that being black, and with that voice, youíd almost expect him to have a thicker neck. Some of the largest necks Iíve seen are on football players, many of whom are African-American. By the way, rugby is a lot like football but I said that before.

A lot of African-American football players that have large necks also have high voices. Barry Bonds does, but heís a baseball player. His neck is thick, allegedly, because of steroids. But for some reason his voice didnít change along with his neck.

Iím pretty sure Barack Obamaís neck is thinner than Hillary Clintonís.

So itís a good thing his voice is deeper.
Rick Moranis